Maybe it is because I am slightly tipsy at the moment, so I’m slightly more sensitive than usual, but I have seriously considered just… being another fan. Just putting down the writing, the drawing and just enjoying everything. It is just the simpler way.
I don’t really know why I am feeling like this right now, or if anyone will care, but for the same reason I upload my writing and my drawings here and there, and have one of my oldest and best friends venting about his situation, which I hope it improves a soon as possible, I just thought this would help me. My mother says I am not a talkative person, and that I should talk more about what goes through my head. Too bad that she ditches almost everything I tell her as bullshit I should just overcome. Which is what made me more of an introvert person to begin with.. But we’re not talking about that right now.
I am struggling with my writing because what I love, what makes me write with a passion… just doesn’t seem to be the liking of almost anyone. Maybe it is because I’m awful at “selling” my stories (as in, alluring them to read them), but I am dealing with a fallacy here. For those of you out there, I studied a couple years of Psychology, and I know about this one. Not sure of the name, but it’s one that makes us think that, just because we put a lot of effort into something, we automatically expect a reward out of it. But we have to learn, for better or for worse, that it’s not always like that. For one of my sagas of stories, I studied Old Norse. A language that disappeared over 800 years ago. And I found grammar rules and charts for that language, courses to learn how to write it an read it and a small dictionary. I worked to find reliable translation sources. I spent more time doing research for that thing than writing it. That story is about 300 pages long, give or take a couple. And when a story about… I dunno, a silly story about a pony doing something cute/silly gets far more attention than a story for which I learned a dead language and researched in order to make a kingdom based in the Norse lands of the era… there’s a part of my heart that aches. And it’s because of that fallacy I mentioned before.
Is it because there’s a lot of OCs in the story? Is it because it’s not clop? Is it because… I dunno. I am much more comfortable writing about the stuff I know and I’m proficient on, and I like writing things like “I am Drakkar Veiðǫrvarson, þegn of Scandineighvia at the service of Jarl Hríðvetr, from the kingdom of Fimbulvetr”. I wrote a scene based in Prosaic Edda, Beowulf-style storytelling, and it felt awesome. We all know all that “do shit for yourself”, but even with that, when you publish/upload that stuff on the internet, you expect a reply from them. When the only sound you hear is the one of silence, it is quite discouraging. Maybe it is because I am tying my best to grasp on these works of mine in order to find some peace and kind words for something I worked hard on. I am not totally sure. I thought I had gotten used to this already, but I guess it’s the combination of not having received a translation assignment in three weeks despite being in half a dozen different databases, some other family/personal issues… just an amalgamation that makes everything much more… serious than it is? I don’t know, I can’t think too clearly right now. Maybe someone out there can guide me a bit in my conundrum. Right now I look at all I’ve done, and that fallacy keeps kicking my brain saying “You should have gotten much more praising for this! You should stop putting so much effort on this! Make some alluring stuff to get people to pay attention to you and THEN show them your grand masterpieces!” I dunno, maybe I’ll get up tomorrow and I’ll be fine then. Right now? I’ll jut put everything down and keep using videogames as evade myself; they have been there for so long and been so faithful to me.